Jelle Druyts

Sick of receiving emails sent to you, everyone you know and don't know, and their dog? Had enough of setting up yet another email account just because the signal-to-noise ratio is less than 7% again? Are your private bodily measures within reasonable distance from the average and not in need of corrective surgery? In other words, looking for an easy-to-use yet highly effective solution to the seemingly unstoppable spam problem? Look no further! Just copy the form below, check the boxes, and send out an anonymous mail to the violating person (preferably with a myriad of well-known spammers' addresses in CC).

Dear
[ ] Sir, Madam
[ ] Spammer
[ ] Intellectually challenged person
[ ] Treehugging hippie
[ ] /.'er
[ ] Ignorant n00b
[ ] Loser
[ ] Monkeybrain
[ ] Herd animal
[ ] Lonely freak
[ ] Elvis
[ ] Other: 
 
I was recently annoyed by your email regarding
[ ] A promotional campaign
[ ] A cheezy joke from 1992
[ ] A PowerPoint presentation created by the Dalai Lama himself
[ ] The true Rules Of Life and how these will impact my social networks
[ ] Commercial pleasures of the flesh
[ ] The universal and everlasting happiness that came upon you after
    forwarding that same email to about seventeen billion people
[ ] Some random less-than-interesting email sent out to me and sixty-five
    people I never heard of
[ ] Other: 
 
It was
[ ] Lame
[ ] Weak
[ ] Insane
[ ] Careless
[ ] Dumb
[ ] Braindamaging
[ ] Frustrating
[ ] Mindblowing
[ ] Infuriating
[ ] Painful
[ ] Other: 
 
I'd like to point out to you that
[ ] It DOESN'T really work
[ ] You will NOT receive 1 Gazillion Dollars if you forward this to more
    than 12 people
[ ] You have clearly not understood the purpose of the internet
[ ] You're an idiot
[ ] I don't even know you (and wish to keep it that way)
[ ] You clearly don't understand what email is all about
[ ] There has been a BCC field since, like, forever
[ ] Other: 
 
You are advised to
[ ] Never, ever, send me or anyone else an email again
[ ] Get a life
[ ] Take your powercord and drag it out into a thunderstorm while holding it
[ ] Stay away from anything with a battery or power cord from now until
    the end of time
[ ] Delete my email address from your pc, phone, notebook, and brain
    (assuming you have a working brain at least)
[ ] Refrain yourself from emailing until you grasp the BCC concept
[ ] Grow up
[ ] Apologise to society
[ ] Eat cow dung
[ ] Immediately lose your naivety
[ ] Go visit an ancient tribe somewhere in the Rain Forest until you have
    a faint idea of what your purpose on this planet really is
[ ] Trash your computer with a sledge hammer and eat the hard parts
[ ] Other: 
 
As a final note, let me tell you,
[ ] You may join your creator in hell as far as I'm concerned, you
    evil Spawn of Satan
[ ] You need psychiatric assistance
[ ] It's people like you that stop spam from dying
[ ] Go somewhere else with your cheap scams
[ ] You're so clueless I didn't even go through the trouble of filling
    out this form entirely
[ ] Other: 
 
Sincerely,
 
    (Your name here)

(Format kindly stolen from The Luhmann Church of Absurdness' Standaard Eikel Beantwoordingsformulier)